A letter and a sloppy wet kiss.

"So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don't have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way he loves us."

The theme of my blog is about life, and tonight I am writing about a life that has already been lived, used up, and virtually washed away. This is mostly going to be hypothetical (for those of you who want to know the real definition of hypothetical: supposed but not necessarily real or true. ) but brutally honest just the same.

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Here's to not growing old...

To fill in whoever is reading this letter, you know I am not breathing and haven't been living for a long time. I left this letter for whoever wants to learn from a mistake and create a new dimension of time that makes years limitless without being drawn out.

Dear Self,

It has been 74 years. You have seen many things, and the highlight of your life happened when you were 17. What have you been doing with the last 67? All you can remember now is some song about a sloppy wet kiss, but you have nothing to show for anything. You have lived your life through fantasies, can't you see there is nobody? You spent your last hours in a rocking chair, waiting patiently for that moment you can't take back. You chose adventure over life, and who are you, to fool me, that life was suppose to be that adventure? You were suppose to travel the world, be someone, change something, do small things with great love, but you could never get over that day that changed everything, that turned everything upside down, that moment when you realized there was nothing greater than.. Well, let's not talk about this so soon; you and I both know it happened. I want to say thank you first before I get upset. I want to say thank you for giving up. Giving up your life so that the world would be a better place without a vegetable. You had enough sense, I didn't or else I wouldn't be the one writing this letter to you. I am the one surviving, prospering over your sacrifice, the normal one because you gave up, I gave in. I bought my share into the average life everyone in the country you said was no good. I did the one thing you hated. I got a job, and it went downhill for the both of us, living in a one room apartment in a city away from the earth, the air, and the falls. Pushing papers and going no where for years and years. Thankfully I learned and have but a small ounce of your creativity and tried to come back, to revive you, to relive the life you wanted, we needed. I pleaded for a rescue, I searched for a cure, and desperately clinged to a thin thread of hope, but deep down I knew it was already too late. Because I am 74 years old and you never told him, and he would never know because you gave up. Why did you have to give up on happiness? The only one you had ever truly loved, and he will never know. How could he? You never told him. My mistake was that I let you die without shedding a tear, and it was our funeral, my dear. Everyone dressed in black, everyone you knew would never come back. Therefore after all these years I am giving up and tonight I am letting you go, and my last words to you are I loved you, more than you will ever know...

Love,

Clara Jane

Toe Suckers and Regrets

I am first going to begin with a funny true story and then end with a rant about people too young to get married. Please don't be offended by either topic. This is just Life; it's all fun and games.

Imagine this, a high school girl completely in love with her significant other, back in the early 70s, down in Mississippi, sunbathing on a dock with one foot dangling in the water, and her sweetie swimming around gazing at her on a warm summer's day. Then.. the unspeakable happens and the girl is inside the house screaming, freaking out, crying, running towards her room yelling to her mother "THAT PERVERT!!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE HIM!!! DON'T LET HIM IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!" Her mother completely baffled; this boy had never laid a hand on her daughter, and hadn't even kissed her to the mother's knowledge. He would always come over to the house and help out, even went to Sunday School with their family. What could he have done? All the mother can get out of her daughter is THAT PERVERT!! So, she tries getting something out of the poor boy that has an awful stuttering problem, when he gets nervous or upset. "I, I, I, didn'tttt, ma-ma-mean to da-da-doooo ittt. I, I, couldn't hahahelp ma-ma-myselfff." Obviously, at this rate the mother knew it would hours before she would find anything out, is quite perplexed. Seeing this boy in a complete state of horror, she goes back to the beginning, with her daughter locked in her room, to try and make any sense out of this. The daughter is obviously furious, denouncing any love she ever had for the boy previous, and swears that she will never talk to him again. After quite some time the climax comes out and the daughter yells, "I had my foot out in the water, and you know what he DID??!!! I canNOT believe he did this!! He is a PERVERT!!! HE SUCKED MY TOE!!!!!!!!!! He's a TOE SUCKER!!!!" At this point, the mother is desperately trying not to giggle at the thought of the ridiculousness of it all, she consoles the daughter as best she can without dropping a hint of her tickledness and goes out to talk with the boy to get his side of the story. She tells him that she has no idea what provoked him to suck her daughter's filthy, dirty toe and that he had some explaining to do. With tears running down his face, he says,"I, I, I couldn't hahahelp myself, she jajajust means th-the world to me. She looked mamamighty beautiful up on that dock, and well, I, I, I, I couldn't take it no longer. I can't stand it, I wawawaanted to TASTE HER!!!" "But darlin, why her nasty toe," "It dadadon't matter what part of her, sh-sh-she's perfect, I c-c-caan't stand it. I had to KNOW!"

And so be the story of the toe sucker, now off to ranting. People, children, I should say, why in the world are you getting married right out of high school?? at nineteen, twenty, years old? At first, it was freaking me out in Utah, but in my own small town in Tennessee?? No sir. We don't have that type of culture where we marry off young because it is socially, regionally, and culturally conditioned. You have no job, you have no house, you have no car, you have no insurance, you are still living off your parents, where are the benefits?? You think being together forever after only being in a relationship for eight, six, two months, heck even four years if it consists between the ages of 16-20, is going to last? going to matter? going to shape the ENTIRE REST OF YOUR LIFE? People, live a little. Don't get me wrong, I think it is absolutely delightful that you are in so in love, so infatuated, so head over heels for another, but why sign your whole existence away in a pile filled of joint bills, no privacy, and mooching off in-laws? You haven't even lived together for a whole week? Do you realize the significance behind "til death do us part"? I just really don't understand the functionality behind this because we don't live in the day and age where you already have a steady income at the age of 18 by working in a factory or on a farm, there is no need to procreate in our overpopulated world so that there will be enough work done to have food on the table, and we most certainly do NOT live in the age of banishment because of fornication before marriage. So why? I know they have said they have thought about it, that there is no other way, that you want to seal the deal because you want to vow your everlasting love. Well that's all good in the fairytales like the Swan Princess, but if you really love that person, and they really love you, do you really think a legal economically binding piece of paper is the only way to show it? If you really love them, won't you always be with them no matter what, and wouldn't it be smarter to hold off a couple years, go to college, don't get pregnant, and set up a somewhat stable future? I mean I am all for adventure and living on the edge, but that's too much for me. So again, people live a little. You can still live it with the one you love, just don't do something so drastic as tying the strongest sailor square knot you possibly can. Waiting longer, also helps build and form something so unbelievably beautiful, and you won't have to live with the regrets of rushing at the speed of light. Also, don't go and suck people's toes. That's just weird.

Storytelling and ranting brought to you by a concerned, freaked out friend.

Yours truly,

Clara Jane

WARNING: this post might be the most random and sappiest rant you ever read.

So, here it goes. I. miss. everything. I went up to my aunt and uncle's farm this weekend for a family get together and came back with a sweet adorable kitten I like to call Klawdia. She is the size of the smallest teacup you could imagine and has a voice of determined longing. Driving back home I cried because of her crying, I swear I saw tears in that kitten's eyes. Then it hit me. Why is she crying? We just stripped her of everything she had ever known or had and will never know again. One word: intense. Especially for a kitten the size as the palm of your hand. She will never know that barn. her siblings. her mom. everything. Trying to comfort a small being such as her is extremely difficult when you are comparing her life to orphans in Africa and caught up in the emotional stress of it all. Not to mention you are listening to an amazing inspirational broadcast on NPR about high security prisoners performing Hamlet because the just "want to feel human again." One word: rollercoaster. Then after she is starting to get used to her new life and happy in your room that's an utter disaster, you can't bear the thought to change the sheets on your bed because you are still holding onto the possibility you can still embrace what's still left of Utah since you came home a month ago. I miss everything. Sometimes I just wish that my silhouette climbing on a ladder putting a lightbulb in the ceiling fan would turn into $80,000 dollars so that I could get some compensation for my life, where I am doing absolutely nothing. I just want to go on a bike ride. Is that too much to ask? This weekend has been stretched beyond time can count and I did nothing. In summation of this blog post that is going no where, I want to be where the sun shines 8,000+ feet brighter, where the mountains are always visible, and where I can think of home without being there. The moment when you realize you aren't sure where your home is the moment you realize you need to change the linen. Wasn't I just talking about a cat? Life is emotional sometimes, don't let it catch you off guard. Oh wait, that's the best/worst part.