Sometimes we need to jump in.

A spectacular and very rare event happened this morning.

My sweet, ambitious kitten, Klawdia, decided she wanted to jump in... wait for it.

The swimming pool.

While my mom was vacuuming the pool in the early afternoon, she heard a rather curious sound, like one of a small rock would make in a pond thrown by a child who has not yet mastered the technique of skipping rocks. No sooner than she looks up, my brave little girl has swam more than half the length of our in-ground pool stroking closer and closer to the deep. My mom then whips out those tucked away lifeguard instincts from her high school summer days, without removing her shoes or normal everyday attire, jumps in, as well, to rescue my dear Klawdia. I then hear, "CLARA, come help me!" called from downstairs, which in itself is a rare thing because help is something my mother rarely needs. Frantic and dazed from sleeping in until 11 a.m., I rush downstairs to see my mother and Klawdia sopping wet from head to toe. I'm so utterly confused, but somehow manage to go get a towel for Klawdia. She was just fine, and once she was dried off, she went about playing in my room, that very well could be considered a playground to her with mounds of papers, clothes, and old suitcases. I'm not exactly sure the significance of this event, or why I wanted to write about it, but I do know in the rare instances when life surprises you by overturned stereotypes, i.e. a cat swimming in WATER, you should take a step back and note them, give thought to their existence, or simply acknowledge something weird just happened. So my kitten story isn't exactly a life changer, but it is a motivational story, for me at least, to break the norm and try something new, look forward to something great, and if I'm not exactly cut out for the task, know someone will be there to save or help me, and after I dry off, I will be happy.

There is always somebody. So jump in folks.

Love, Clara Jane

A letter and a sloppy wet kiss.

"So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don't have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way he loves us."

The theme of my blog is about life, and tonight I am writing about a life that has already been lived, used up, and virtually washed away. This is mostly going to be hypothetical (for those of you who want to know the real definition of hypothetical: supposed but not necessarily real or true. ) but brutally honest just the same.

__________________________________________________________________

Here's to not growing old...

To fill in whoever is reading this letter, you know I am not breathing and haven't been living for a long time. I left this letter for whoever wants to learn from a mistake and create a new dimension of time that makes years limitless without being drawn out.

Dear Self,

It has been 74 years. You have seen many things, and the highlight of your life happened when you were 17. What have you been doing with the last 67? All you can remember now is some song about a sloppy wet kiss, but you have nothing to show for anything. You have lived your life through fantasies, can't you see there is nobody? You spent your last hours in a rocking chair, waiting patiently for that moment you can't take back. You chose adventure over life, and who are you, to fool me, that life was suppose to be that adventure? You were suppose to travel the world, be someone, change something, do small things with great love, but you could never get over that day that changed everything, that turned everything upside down, that moment when you realized there was nothing greater than.. Well, let's not talk about this so soon; you and I both know it happened. I want to say thank you first before I get upset. I want to say thank you for giving up. Giving up your life so that the world would be a better place without a vegetable. You had enough sense, I didn't or else I wouldn't be the one writing this letter to you. I am the one surviving, prospering over your sacrifice, the normal one because you gave up, I gave in. I bought my share into the average life everyone in the country you said was no good. I did the one thing you hated. I got a job, and it went downhill for the both of us, living in a one room apartment in a city away from the earth, the air, and the falls. Pushing papers and going no where for years and years. Thankfully I learned and have but a small ounce of your creativity and tried to come back, to revive you, to relive the life you wanted, we needed. I pleaded for a rescue, I searched for a cure, and desperately clinged to a thin thread of hope, but deep down I knew it was already too late. Because I am 74 years old and you never told him, and he would never know because you gave up. Why did you have to give up on happiness? The only one you had ever truly loved, and he will never know. How could he? You never told him. My mistake was that I let you die without shedding a tear, and it was our funeral, my dear. Everyone dressed in black, everyone you knew would never come back. Therefore after all these years I am giving up and tonight I am letting you go, and my last words to you are I loved you, more than you will ever know...

Love,

Clara Jane

Toe Suckers and Regrets

I am first going to begin with a funny true story and then end with a rant about people too young to get married. Please don't be offended by either topic. This is just Life; it's all fun and games.

Imagine this, a high school girl completely in love with her significant other, back in the early 70s, down in Mississippi, sunbathing on a dock with one foot dangling in the water, and her sweetie swimming around gazing at her on a warm summer's day. Then.. the unspeakable happens and the girl is inside the house screaming, freaking out, crying, running towards her room yelling to her mother "THAT PERVERT!!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE HIM!!! DON'T LET HIM IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!" Her mother completely baffled; this boy had never laid a hand on her daughter, and hadn't even kissed her to the mother's knowledge. He would always come over to the house and help out, even went to Sunday School with their family. What could he have done? All the mother can get out of her daughter is THAT PERVERT!! So, she tries getting something out of the poor boy that has an awful stuttering problem, when he gets nervous or upset. "I, I, I, didn'tttt, ma-ma-mean to da-da-doooo ittt. I, I, couldn't hahahelp ma-ma-myselfff." Obviously, at this rate the mother knew it would hours before she would find anything out, is quite perplexed. Seeing this boy in a complete state of horror, she goes back to the beginning, with her daughter locked in her room, to try and make any sense out of this. The daughter is obviously furious, denouncing any love she ever had for the boy previous, and swears that she will never talk to him again. After quite some time the climax comes out and the daughter yells, "I had my foot out in the water, and you know what he DID??!!! I canNOT believe he did this!! He is a PERVERT!!! HE SUCKED MY TOE!!!!!!!!!! He's a TOE SUCKER!!!!" At this point, the mother is desperately trying not to giggle at the thought of the ridiculousness of it all, she consoles the daughter as best she can without dropping a hint of her tickledness and goes out to talk with the boy to get his side of the story. She tells him that she has no idea what provoked him to suck her daughter's filthy, dirty toe and that he had some explaining to do. With tears running down his face, he says,"I, I, I couldn't hahahelp myself, she jajajust means th-the world to me. She looked mamamighty beautiful up on that dock, and well, I, I, I, I couldn't take it no longer. I can't stand it, I wawawaanted to TASTE HER!!!" "But darlin, why her nasty toe," "It dadadon't matter what part of her, sh-sh-she's perfect, I c-c-caan't stand it. I had to KNOW!"

And so be the story of the toe sucker, now off to ranting. People, children, I should say, why in the world are you getting married right out of high school?? at nineteen, twenty, years old? At first, it was freaking me out in Utah, but in my own small town in Tennessee?? No sir. We don't have that type of culture where we marry off young because it is socially, regionally, and culturally conditioned. You have no job, you have no house, you have no car, you have no insurance, you are still living off your parents, where are the benefits?? You think being together forever after only being in a relationship for eight, six, two months, heck even four years if it consists between the ages of 16-20, is going to last? going to matter? going to shape the ENTIRE REST OF YOUR LIFE? People, live a little. Don't get me wrong, I think it is absolutely delightful that you are in so in love, so infatuated, so head over heels for another, but why sign your whole existence away in a pile filled of joint bills, no privacy, and mooching off in-laws? You haven't even lived together for a whole week? Do you realize the significance behind "til death do us part"? I just really don't understand the functionality behind this because we don't live in the day and age where you already have a steady income at the age of 18 by working in a factory or on a farm, there is no need to procreate in our overpopulated world so that there will be enough work done to have food on the table, and we most certainly do NOT live in the age of banishment because of fornication before marriage. So why? I know they have said they have thought about it, that there is no other way, that you want to seal the deal because you want to vow your everlasting love. Well that's all good in the fairytales like the Swan Princess, but if you really love that person, and they really love you, do you really think a legal economically binding piece of paper is the only way to show it? If you really love them, won't you always be with them no matter what, and wouldn't it be smarter to hold off a couple years, go to college, don't get pregnant, and set up a somewhat stable future? I mean I am all for adventure and living on the edge, but that's too much for me. So again, people live a little. You can still live it with the one you love, just don't do something so drastic as tying the strongest sailor square knot you possibly can. Waiting longer, also helps build and form something so unbelievably beautiful, and you won't have to live with the regrets of rushing at the speed of light. Also, don't go and suck people's toes. That's just weird.

Storytelling and ranting brought to you by a concerned, freaked out friend.

Yours truly,

Clara Jane

WARNING: this post might be the most random and sappiest rant you ever read.

So, here it goes. I. miss. everything. I went up to my aunt and uncle's farm this weekend for a family get together and came back with a sweet adorable kitten I like to call Klawdia. She is the size of the smallest teacup you could imagine and has a voice of determined longing. Driving back home I cried because of her crying, I swear I saw tears in that kitten's eyes. Then it hit me. Why is she crying? We just stripped her of everything she had ever known or had and will never know again. One word: intense. Especially for a kitten the size as the palm of your hand. She will never know that barn. her siblings. her mom. everything. Trying to comfort a small being such as her is extremely difficult when you are comparing her life to orphans in Africa and caught up in the emotional stress of it all. Not to mention you are listening to an amazing inspirational broadcast on NPR about high security prisoners performing Hamlet because the just "want to feel human again." One word: rollercoaster. Then after she is starting to get used to her new life and happy in your room that's an utter disaster, you can't bear the thought to change the sheets on your bed because you are still holding onto the possibility you can still embrace what's still left of Utah since you came home a month ago. I miss everything. Sometimes I just wish that my silhouette climbing on a ladder putting a lightbulb in the ceiling fan would turn into $80,000 dollars so that I could get some compensation for my life, where I am doing absolutely nothing. I just want to go on a bike ride. Is that too much to ask? This weekend has been stretched beyond time can count and I did nothing. In summation of this blog post that is going no where, I want to be where the sun shines 8,000+ feet brighter, where the mountains are always visible, and where I can think of home without being there. The moment when you realize you aren't sure where your home is the moment you realize you need to change the linen. Wasn't I just talking about a cat? Life is emotional sometimes, don't let it catch you off guard. Oh wait, that's the best/worst part.

my mind while reading.

I've started a new goal for this summer and life in general, and that is simply to read more. I have just finished my third book, and I just want to express how remarkably fascinating the action of reading is. Here is "my mind while reading." Enjoy!

When I read a new book I open the cover, pass through title page and copyrights, find the start. The start is one of the most important things to me, and you have to hit it racing, chasing ideas through your head, at every period you are never stopping, and strain your eyes so that you never blinking. The first page is always read the fastest. You are golden if you get through the first page and read it only once. The first page is always read last, even after the end to remember what happened for you, to begin this magical journey through something, one simply calls a novel. The best part about a novel is that it lasts. Some people never read the ending to their favorite book because they never want the thrill, the emotion, the tension, the commotion, the overall excitement it evokes to be finished, be done, be over, to end. You go through the pages and chapters and fall in love with the characters, the people you want to have in real life, the happiness they feel, or even the suffering they endure because you just, want, to feel, something, anything. They have something you don't, and miraculously you get to discover and empathize their thoughts. In some books you know everything, and others you know nothing, but always after reading a book you get to hold that masterpiece in your hand and keep the memories, the journey, the experience in a couple hundred small but physical pieces of paper that became part of your soul for what seem like a brief, but everlasting moment. So many different thoughts go through my head when reading a piece of literature, and more times then not, I get sucked into the atmosphere of the fictional world and become enwrapped, enthralled, engaged with what all is going on, until.. Until someone comes in the room, until someone says my name, until it's too dark now to read without a light, until I suddenly realize I have been reading for hours, drinking from a ice cold turned room temperature glass of water, and really need a potty break. But I love those instances when you actually become the words on the page, it's a different world, life, beginning, middle, and end, that you are apart of. And when I reach the end, there has not been a time where I have sat directly where I was sitting before feeling emotionless and like oh that's cool. Nay sir, I have to get up, I just finished a book! Regardless the outcome of the story, I go into a room anywhere to be by myself except for the place I was just reading and just stand, pace, or sit pondering for a quick moment, smile, and then go back to the last page and read the last paragraph just to be sure I finished. Life has its moments where it surprises you, saddens you, escapes you, lifts you, hurts you, and loves you. So without further adieu, pick up a book and live it all without leaving your chair, bed, floor, wherever you choose to hear your favorite author. Simple word of advice: READ! -Clara Jane

So I'm not sure what to write about, so I'm just going to write

I am reading this awesome book You Shall Know Our Velocity by one of my favorite authors Dave Eggers, and just read a significant plot twist. There is a second first narrator that tells you everything that has been written so far basically is a lie. The first first narration had the whole concept correct, but all his details had gone astray and has you wondering which parts of the 300 pages have you read so far were real-I mean as real as fiction can get. Anyways, as humans it is natural to tell stories, the truth sparkled and shined or tarnished and broken, either way it is to bring out emotions in others. What emotion do you want to portray when telling your life's story? What do you want to be your reality whether it is a separation of the facts or not? I don't think it's a question of if your life is good enough for someone to read or listen to know how to make up your story, but it's a question of the parallels between how you want to live and have lived your life thus far. What was real to you? But some will say, that's a lie, you've never base jumped off the Grand Canyon or hooked up with the lead singer of a famous band. You just were born in Tennessee and went to Utah for college. However, in the nothing more, nothing less debate it is important to remember what you remembered, such as taking care of an elderly woman who says back in the day she had to register her hands as lethal weapons and when you are cleaning the house you aren't surprised when you find a gun on the tallest shelf you know she can't reach. What it all comes down to is who cares? And why do we have to have other people to care if our lives are significant or not? It's because we crave connection, we crave the world, we crave each other. In a world full of people, we want some type of approval from the ones who we know to live around us. Even in today's individualistic society, where everyone is so disconnected but connected at the same time through the news, MTV, and social networking, it is becoming more and more apparent that we have to have other people to tell us that we are awesome. And if we aren't told these things we live miserable lives and hate breathing. Well, you know what, all you suckers who have given in to society, you are awesome. And you shouldn't even give a fuck I told you that because you are fucking awesome. True story.

-Clara Jane

I guess the last thing I will say on this subject is that whatever you take away from this book, his text and mine-and I have no idea what you are taking away-please take away this one thing about the trip:

It happened, and it was good. It was good because it happened.

Long day.

So yesterday was the first day of summer, but not as cheerful as it should be. First of all it rained, all day long. Second, I love the great outdoors but could not take advantage of the free National Park day because I am in Tennessee, not Utah. And thirdly, also which coincidentally the third time this month I have gone to the apple store in hopes of saving my life and soul, my macbook pro. After spending hours upon hours it was finally resolved yesterday that I need a new hard drive.What a bummer, my whole first paycheck of the summer. Summer saving for college is going great, well not really. Anyways I have to wait yet another couple of days to use my pride and joy because I need to migrate the old stuff to the new stuff, but I don't have the part, yet. Needless to say, it was a long day. However! Life is more than bummers and not working computers, it's about living. Sometimes all you need is a book, a call, a friend, or nothing at all. Sleep was my cure for the long day I endured. So when all else fails, take a nap.
Words of advice brought to you by Clara Jane free of charge.